Tag Archives: mental-health

February, 2019

According to Buddhism, unhappiness stems from trying to change circumstances over which we have no control. I think it’s time to practice some healthy renunciation.

I can feel depression creeping up again. The last I was depressed was back in 2015.

It’s probably the nicotine interfering with my mood stabilizers.

The good bit is that I have learnt more ways to externalize my emotions. I can now sing throaty sad songs out of tune while I play my ukulele. Nearing a year since I started playing, 10 months to be precise. Very happy with my progress on that end. Atleast my numbskulled persistence leads to some good. Music therapy is definitely legit.

Also got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder after a year of being on a cocktail of medicines and different stages of anxiety diagnoses. Maybe it’s co-morbid. Maybe I’m just BPD. Had to literally pester the diagnosis out of my psychiatrist. Gives me a lot of peace of mind to know what’s wrong with me. Although I’m not sure if I agree with the concept of personality disorders. I feel like it’s a construct to describe individuals who do not display socially conforming behavior.

Sure, I have trouble regulating my emotions but why does that have to be a disorder? I feel intensely. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I’m supposed to restart therapy. Let’s see how that goes.

Yep. That’s pretty much it. Here, song –

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March

This Summer

This summer is different

I almost await its arrival

Anticipating its din to, drown

the chaos in my head.

I look longingly forward

to the season of new birth

wishing upon it to hasten

the renewal within.

This summer is different-

I pray the colours consume me,

consume the dark clouds of winter

I’ve kept company with.

As the evening breeze gently

lulls in after sunset,

I’ll learn to make peace with

my memories but not forget.

 

I am finally starting to feel somewhat normal after 6 months of continuous mindfuck. It’s the new set of medication. I have been prescribed three different sets of medication and had my diagnoses change thrice in this period. Definitely made me rethink the idea of finally walking into a shrink’s office and getting diagnosed. Maybe someday I will write in detail about the last few months, the spiralling, my diseases. For now, I am content in staggering back to life.

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hi.

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Can you miss someone you’ve only met online? Because I kind of miss you.

But Orkut is dead. And I no longer remember my Myspace password/email. I always thought I could keep that one saved like a Toluene thought loop. Guess not.

I really wish I’d known you in person instead. Keep well, you crazy motherfucker.

=)

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