Casual Alcoholism

Everybody’s got monsters they hide under their bed

I just shoved mine, in the basement below

And threw off the key somewhere I wouldn’t find it,

I threw out the key – so I would no longer have to know.

 

 

But my monsters are not the kind to keep silent

They kick up a racket come time, to time,

I drown out the noise with a bottle I keep handy

Half a bottle of rum – to drive the noise out of my mind.

 

 

I know better now than to have a fistfight with my demons

– Confrontation, can be a lethal thing,

Some habits die harder, than you could anticipate

Just like songbirds grow – accustomed to sing.

 

 

Everybody’s got monsters they hide under their bed

I shoved mine in the dark recesses below

Now the iceberg’s melting, faster than I can take a step

The iceberg’s melting – and I have nowhere to go.

 

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I dare you

Love with such intensity

       that love cowers to leave

Pull, at the draw strings,

of the story.. that fate weaves

I’ve learnt how to keep – the poetry alive

So, hurl your darkness at me,

and watch me survive.

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March, 2019

“Things outside you are projections of what’s inside you, and what’s inside you is a projection of what’s outside. So when you step into the labyrinth outside you, at the same time you’re stepping into the labyrinth inside.”

― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

 

 

 

 

 

 

I finally finished this book after struggling with it for nearly 2 + months. Needless to say, it has left me devastated. I’m not very fond of magic realism as a genre or Murakami, the author. But this book really drew me in and spit me out.

To live life like a metaphor. Could there be anything more melancholic than that?


		
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abandonment.

Seasons change

         and lives estrange

there’s nothing to be said

                               or done

Remember how – I’d told you once –

I had this inevitable urge

                                          to run?

                         But I didn’t, did I?

I hung around

  I guess I hung around too long

now all I sensed

   and all I felt

      have collapsed to an unidentifiable

                                             song

     Now, this song repeats

      more often than I’d like

It plays on loop

                        inside my restless mind

And I can’t quite tell

                          what any of it means

but thank you,      for being unkind.

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February, 2019

According to Buddhism, unhappiness stems from trying to change circumstances over which we have no control. I think it’s time to practice some healthy renunciation.

I can feel depression creeping up again. The last I was depressed was back in 2015.

It’s probably the nicotine interfering with my mood stabilizers.

The good bit is that I have learnt more ways to externalize my emotions. I can now sing throaty sad songs out of tune while I play my ukulele. Nearing a year since I started playing, 10 months to be precise. Very happy with my progress on that end. Atleast my numbskulled persistence leads to some good. Music therapy is definitely legit.

Also got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder after a year of being on a cocktail of medicines and different stages of anxiety diagnoses. Maybe it’s co-morbid. Maybe I’m just BPD. Had to literally pester the diagnosis out of my psychiatrist. Gives me a lot of peace of mind to know what’s wrong with me. Although I’m not sure if I agree with the concept of personality disorders. I feel like it’s a construct to describe individuals who do not display socially conforming behavior.

Sure, I have trouble regulating my emotions but why does that have to be a disorder? I feel intensely. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I’m supposed to restart therapy. Let’s see how that goes.

Yep. That’s pretty much it. Here, song –

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Thoughtcloud

And I don't really know what love is

inspite of what I may say

But I know I'd hold you all night

if you asked me to

             if it kept your nightmares at bay.

No, I don't really know what love is

but I could help you build a blanket fort, without a doubt

You could slip in - when you think you've had enough

             drown everybody     else     out -

    Can anybody ever know what love is

or why we fall in love

                   with the people we do?

Love is a doing word - say the wisemen

I wonder how much of that is true ...



- All I really know

          is the one thing

Love just leaves me blue.
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Apropos

 

You’ve kissed so many faces
that you can’t tell affection from apathy anymore
and I don’t blame you
No, I don’t blame you
Instead, I blame myself
for not being able to convince you
that I’m not here till the season’s birds take flight
I’m not here
No, I’m not here
Only for the night.
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Positive Reinforcement

Get out of your head

Get out of your head

Get out of your head

I'm a thousand miles away

I can't get you off that bed

This idiot screen is not smart

if it were

                       you would know

that the words I type

       and send across

are not alphabets strung

 together in haste

they're a carefully considered

                 request

to not let the light in you

        go to waste.



                Get out of your head

I know it's getting colder

   with every passing day

Know, you're all the

warmth that you need

         The sun will shine

         And you'll be fine

I'll hold your hand if you're 

                                     afraid

I've spent a lot of winters too

                     deep within my mind

      Love, you've been so patient,

                           only a little more

I know this world can be unkind

     Dust yourself off

                   pull up your big girl pants

Don't care so much for what

                           "they" say

             I promise you

              tomorrow

          will be a better day.
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Stargazing

Only

     the softest kisses

                           for you

placed carefully

    along your body

          in a constellation

to guide you back

                            to me

          shall you want.
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Thanatos

I am always trying to scale walls higher than me and getting myself bruised.

I can’t get this song out of my head.

(I can’t get you out of my head either)

25 and still playing the fool.

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